almost too much for my heart
by Pallet and Cerulean
Summary: "Kacchon," she mumbled, voice cracking with a terrible sort of emotion that made him feel sick. She sounded so broken, whispering his name. He could see moisture gathering at the corner of her eye, a tear threatening to spill.


Shutting the door behind Tenga, the last of them to leave, Katsuhira let out a soft sigh, glad for the quiet. While he never really minded all the Kiznaivers using his apartment as a sort of meeting place, it was nice to have some quiet on occasion. Between Nico's enthusiasm and Tenga's impulsive, firecracker personality, things tended to get pretty lively. After meeting up to talk about their situation, everyone went out to an arcade to have some fun, though Katsuhira stayed behind to clean up, Chidori insisting she would help.

Turning, Katsuhira walked back into the living room, eyes skimming the dim room, looking for Chidori. If he even made an attempt to clean up without her, he knew he'd hear about it later. She was always so insistent about helping him and taking care of him, making him meals when he ran out of food or bringing him an umbrella when he forgot his. His gaze caught on her red hair, finding her slumped on the couch. While he had herded the group out the door, she must have fallen asleep. For days now she had been looking exhausted, even to someone as unaware as him. It wasn't surprising, considering their situation, but it still worried him a little.

Even when they were young, Chidori always pushed herself too hard for the sake of others and ended up paying for it. Once, when they were eleven or twelve, she worked so hard to help him study for a test, tutoring him, preparing notes for him, answering all of his questions. On top of that, she had her own studying to do, as well as chores and errands. He noticed her starting to wear down, dark rings forming under her eyes, but didn't say anything. The day of the test, she ended up too sick to go to school, stuck in bed all day. Because of her, he did well on his test, one he likely would have failed if it weren't for her help. Because of him, she ended up sick with a high fever, missing several days of school. That aspect of their relationship always bothered him. Why was it that she helped him and he made her suffer? He had thought about it before, but he never could figure out how to fix it. It was just the way they were, a little broken.

A soft noise pulled him away from his wandering thoughts, bringing reality back before his eyes. It took a moment before he realized that it was Chidori that had caught his attention, a quiet mumble falling past her lips. Crossing the room, he stood in front of her slumped figure on the couch. While she had simply looked tired and worn down from across the room, now he could see there was something else marring her weary expression. The pale skin between her brows was creased and her lips turned down slightly at the corners. Her eyes were closed tighter now too, looking tense and concerned.

Shifting slightly in her sleep, Chidori's head fell to the side, mouth opening again in a soft murmur. Though he couldn't make out what she said, there was something in her voice that sounded off. Normally, she had an energetic, authoritative sort of ring to her voice. Now, that was all gone.

"Kacchon," she mumbled, voice cracking with a terrible sort of emotion that made him feel sick. She sounded so broken, whispering his name. He could see moisture gathering at the corner of her eye, a tear threatening to spill. It made him wonder just exactly what kind of dream she was having, to make her sound so hurt. Though, through the cloudy haze of emotion, a realization struck him.

Many times before, Katsuhira had woken up in the middle of the night to a cold emptiness in his chest, laced with what he could only guess was some sort of hurt. There was always an awful sense of dread and gloom that fell over him, consuming him in a rush before it disappeared just as quickly as it came. He had wondered what that feeling was and where it came from, but never gave it too much thought. Now, he knew. It was Chidori's pain. Her nightmares and her longing, all tearing a gaping hole in her heart. Though there was no blood and bruising to show for it, she was being ripped apart from the inside out. All this time, he had been blind to her pain, brushing it off with ease.

Sick with the thought, Katsuhira reached out a hand, gently shaking Chidori's shoulder until she stirred. Eyes fluttering open, there was a brief moment where she seemed so vulnerable, all her fear and sadness reflected back in her crimson irises. After a beat, though, he could see her steeling herself, masking away all the dark feelings inside.

"Sorry, I said I would help you clean," Chidori offered with a weak smile, the quiet cheer in her voice sounding strained.

"Don't worry about that," Katsuhira replied, tone gentle.

Nodding lightly, Chidori righted herself on the couch, rubbing at her tired eyes. There was a heavy, pressing silence that settled over them, nothing like the comfortable companionship Katsuhira was so used to sharing with her.

"Chidori, what were you dreaming about?" he asked quietly, watching her stiffen at the question.

There was silence again, before she replied. "You," she answered hesitantly, swallowing at the lump forming in her throat. In return, he only gave her an expectant look, waiting for more. "They're always about you, Kacchon" Chidori added, voice falling to a breathy whisper. Pulling her knees up to her chest, Chidori wrapped her arms around her legs, holding them tight.

 _I need you._

With a red flash from the scar on his wrist, Chidori's pained voice sounded in his head, clear and desperate. The pain of her heart. Gaze fixing on her expression, sorrow seeping past the cheery mask she so diligently kept up, Katsuhira laid his hand on his chest, bunching up the fabric over his heart. The now familiar pang of another person's pain washed over him.

"Chidor-"

"The dreams are always different," Chidori started shakily, not seeming to notice or care that she had interrupted him. "One thing is always the same though," she said, voice wavering. Pressing her chin to her knees, she clenched her eyes tight against the tears brimming just beneath her bright irises.

 _It hurts._

Chidori's voice flashed in his head again, her pain making him curl his fingers tighter in the fabric of his shirt. Still, he merely stood in front of her, watching and listening, unsure of how to make her feel better. He never was good at helping people. That was always what Chidori did. But, when she needed help, he was useless.

"You're always leaving me," Chidori said, the words coming out choked and strained in an attempt to keep from crying. No matter how she fought, she couldn't keep the tears from slipping down her cheeks, leaving her skin hot and damp. "It doesn't matter if I cry or beg or just keep to myself, you always leave me," she murmured, voice watery and thick with emotion. Tears dripped from her chin to her knees, dampening the fabric there.

 _I can't breathe._

With agonizing care, Chidori turned to face Katsuhira, eyes flooded with misery. Taking in lurching breaths, Chidori dug her fingers into the skin on her arms, keeping them wrapped tight around her legs. "Sometimes, you leave me for Sonozaki," she said bitterly, "and sometimes it's just because I'm not good enough for you." Her tears were coming faster now, unreservedly rolling down her cheeks.

 _Save me._

"And, you know what the worst part is?" she questioned, curling her toes into the couch cushion. She pulled her knees tighter to her chest, trying to will away the dark, festering pain that tore at her heart.

 _Save me._

"I wake up and it's all the same. I'm losing you all over again," Chidori sobbed.

 _Kacchon, save me._

Giving into the sobs that ripped up past her throat, Chidori cried, bringing her hands up cover her face. Even so, tears slipped between her fingers, her muffled cries echoing off the walls of the otherwise silent apartment. Flashes of her pain caught in Katsuhira's heart, a continuous torrent. Reaching out a hand, he stopped just short of touching her, frozen in his spot. For some reason, he couldn't. He couldn't comfort her, couldn't help her. No matter how he wanted to take her pain away, he just couldn't.

"I don't know what to do to help," Katsuhira said, voice seeming quiet and lost under Chidori's cries.

Sniffing, Chidori raised her head from her hands, trying to calm her hurting nerves. She offered a weak smile, watery and filled with despair. Even the thought that Katsuhira wanted to help eased the pain some, but it didn't change the fact that he didn't help. He didn't do anything. All her had to do was reach out to her, hold her like he really cared about her, and she would be happy. But he couldn't do that, because he would never really love her.

"You don't need to do anything," Chidori sniffed, wiping away the tears that still clung to her cheeks. "It's not your job to fix me," she mumbled quietly, exhaustion once again starting to wash over her while the pain faded.

Collapsing back into the couch, Chidori tried to even out her still ragged breaths, forcing herself to calm down. Her strength was fading anyways, draining until the pull of sleep tugged at her consciousness. Letting her eyes flutter closed, Chidori pulled in a deep breath, letting sleep overcome her, welcoming its dark embrace with hope for a dreamless rest.

Only once he was sure Chidori was asleep, her breathing deep and even and her expression relaxed, Katsuhira moved from where he stood, pulling a blanket out of one of the closets he so rarely touched. Carefully, he laid it out over her lap like she had done for him on a few occasions. With a gentle hand, he swept a stray strand of hair away from her face, tucking it back behind her ear.

"I hope you have a better dream this time, Chidori," Katsuhira whispered softly.


End file.
